X-rated....

Was on a rampage to self destruct desperately.. Went to cycle furiously on my exercise bike non stop for about 15 minutes, before my chest really stung..

Cool off and still felt nothing is working, went to some sites to view some "things"..

Was a totally stupid move..

Proposal

Dreamt was in some really cold country some time back.. Dreamt I proposed..

Sigh.... irritating....

I need to control my dreams

enough said.. Ahh.. Even though I think about her less coz i was so busy.. Why am I still dreaming???? URGH.. God help...

Still struggling...

Didnt see her for a few occassions in Church.. She's back in my dreams..

Keep telling myself "no, No, NO!" woke up, then spent a few moments lingering on the thoughts of her..

Haiz... God, please help..

Struggles with Sin (Pt 2)

Dreamed about her again.
Nothing sinful in my dreams, as in we're not in any special relationships at all, just remembered her working for another company, while i am in my own company.
I woke up, then lingered on the thoughts, created my own story plot..

Need to know when to stop.. Haiz..

Slapped myself on the head, and said sorry to God..

Kept this song on replay as a reminder..

Confession of my addiction..

Ephesians 5:3-14

3 Let there be no sexual immorality, impurity, or greed among you. Such sins have no place among God’s people. 4 Obscene stories, foolish talk, and coarse jokes—these are not for you. Instead, let there be thankfulness to God. 5 You can be sure that no immoral, impure, or greedy person will inherit the Kingdom of Christ and of God. For a greedy person is an idolater, worshiping the things of this world.

6 Don’t be fooled by those who try to excuse these sins, for the anger of God will fall on all who disobey him. 7 Don’t participate in the things these people do. 8 For once you were full of darkness, but now you have light from the Lord. So live as people of light! 9 For this light within you produces only what is good and right and true.

10 Carefully determine what pleases the Lord. 11 Take no part in the worthless deeds of evil and darkness; instead, expose them. 12 It is shameful even to talk about the things that ungodly people do in secret. 13 But their evil intentions will be exposed when the light shines on them, 14 for the light makes everything visible. This is why it is said,

“Awake, O sleeper,
rise up from the dead,
and Christ will give you light.”

I had promised to be honest, and i will. Thus, this is an entry of confession. I cannot explain how disappointed i am with myself for the lack of self control or how shameful i feel right now.. I can only confess, and pray for forgiveness.

I am making myself accountable to God, as well as to the readers.. I need to have the constant reminder that my life is being watched by God and what i did last night was definitely one of the things that was not pleasing to Him.. Also, the fact that He was watching what i did yesterday..

I like to watch movies online.. And sometimes i like to watch movies that contains explicit scenes. . I guess that pretty much explains everything.

I believed i did make the choice when i chose not to stop the movie immediately when the Korean movie started showing the couple committing adultery.

I believed i did make the choice when i continued watching, and started dreaming about the girl i like in my sleep.

I believed i made the choice not to share this entry before i sleep last night.

As i did Quiet Time this morning, God rebuked me with this verse

1 Peter 2:16
For you are free, yet you are God's slaves, so don't use your freedom as an excuse to do evil.

Filled with remorse, i started contemplating whether to share this online, exposing for everyone to see..

I continued having breakfast, and saw this DVD: The Cross and the switchblade lying on the table and decided to watch it. When I saw how some of the youths' life were, I realised how much more fortunate I was, and yet i don't think i am being appreciative..

Right at this very moment, as I am typing this, my heart feels lighter. I may be seen in a different light after some read this, some whom are even my closest friends. I do admit right now, I have this particular addiction, this particular part of me that I will now, completely handover to Jesus. Like what I did with my smoking, drinking and overeating.

I have been losing weight successfully, and thus i will take the same steps i have taken for my diet.

1st, Flee.
1 Corinthians 6:18a
Run from Sexual sin!

2nd, Out of Sight, Out of mind.
Luke 11:34
"Your eye is a lamp that provides light for your body. When your eye is good, your whole body is filled with light. But when it is bad, your body is filled with darkness..."

I will pray diligently and i ask the readers for help to pray that i can overcome this addiction. I will keep an update, as i do with my weight..

At the end of this entry, God brought this verse to mind..

1 John 1:9
But if we confess our sins to Him, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all wickedness..

Thank you Lord..

Struggles with sin (Part 1)

Romans 1:24:27
24 So God abandoned them to do whatever shameful things their hearts desired. As a result, they did vile and degrading things with each other's bodies.
25 They traded the truth about God for a lie. So they worshiped and served the things God created instead of the Creator himself, who is worthy of eternal praise! Amen.
26 That is why God abandoned them to their shameful desires. Even the women turned against the natural way to have sex and instead indulged in sex with each other.
27 And the men, instead of having normal sexual relations with women, burned with lust for each other. Men did shameful things with other men, and as a result of this sin, they suffered within themselves the penalty they deserved.

I've been called a fool.
A fool who didn't and wouldn't want her own happiness.

In the past, there were girls i liked, girls i would do anything for, i would be there whenever they need me. But i would never reveal how i felt.

I did confess my likings to someone once, and that was like the worst mistake i ever made.. I put myself in such an easy position to be depressed, after being rejected.

Depression is such an irritating thing. Sometimes I felt so much pain, i became numb. When i was awake, it felt like I was dreaming. In times like these i would take something sharp and slowly scratch my skin. The pain awakened me..

Yes, I was still alive.

During those days i lived like it would be the last, and during the nights i wished i wouldn't have to wake up again.

Yet, I was still alive.

Now I know God had a purpose, a plan. He kept me alive. He called me back to Himself.

I am not perfect, I am still struggling as I am currently attracted to someone of the same sex, and it just kills me..

There are days when i still day-dream that i am some guy with a great voice, musically talented, good looking, that would instantly cause this girl to fall in love with me..

There are nights I dream about her travelling with me on the bus, hanging laundry, etc...

These dreams come to an end abruptly when i scold myself in my dreams

"Wake up, you're dreaming."

I often wake up with a hymn in my head.. Or a verse that reminds me about God.. sometimes with a longing in my heart.

I wish i could pray these feelings away, and just be a normal girl attracted to guys.

Then i realise...
Jesus said we are to be Light of the world.. Could my struggle be a way to minister to others?

Well, i dont know about that. All i know is,

I made the choice to be a fool for Christ, to obey Him and not my feelings.