Struggles with sin (Part 1)

Romans 1:24:27
24 So God abandoned them to do whatever shameful things their hearts desired. As a result, they did vile and degrading things with each other's bodies.
25 They traded the truth about God for a lie. So they worshiped and served the things God created instead of the Creator himself, who is worthy of eternal praise! Amen.
26 That is why God abandoned them to their shameful desires. Even the women turned against the natural way to have sex and instead indulged in sex with each other.
27 And the men, instead of having normal sexual relations with women, burned with lust for each other. Men did shameful things with other men, and as a result of this sin, they suffered within themselves the penalty they deserved.

I've been called a fool.
A fool who didn't and wouldn't want her own happiness.

In the past, there were girls i liked, girls i would do anything for, i would be there whenever they need me. But i would never reveal how i felt.

I did confess my likings to someone once, and that was like the worst mistake i ever made.. I put myself in such an easy position to be depressed, after being rejected.

Depression is such an irritating thing. Sometimes I felt so much pain, i became numb. When i was awake, it felt like I was dreaming. In times like these i would take something sharp and slowly scratch my skin. The pain awakened me..

Yes, I was still alive.

During those days i lived like it would be the last, and during the nights i wished i wouldn't have to wake up again.

Yet, I was still alive.

Now I know God had a purpose, a plan. He kept me alive. He called me back to Himself.

I am not perfect, I am still struggling as I am currently attracted to someone of the same sex, and it just kills me..

There are days when i still day-dream that i am some guy with a great voice, musically talented, good looking, that would instantly cause this girl to fall in love with me..

There are nights I dream about her travelling with me on the bus, hanging laundry, etc...

These dreams come to an end abruptly when i scold myself in my dreams

"Wake up, you're dreaming."

I often wake up with a hymn in my head.. Or a verse that reminds me about God.. sometimes with a longing in my heart.

I wish i could pray these feelings away, and just be a normal girl attracted to guys.

Then i realise...
Jesus said we are to be Light of the world.. Could my struggle be a way to minister to others?

Well, i dont know about that. All i know is,

I made the choice to be a fool for Christ, to obey Him and not my feelings.